Insatiable Search

Some days are just to get things done. I am tasting the “time for all things” That Solomon expresses. I can understand how he pushes all of his senses to find something new, something refreshing. Everything for that first moment…ah.. But then it is passed and we search on.

Until you find that it is the search. The insatiable search to find the Living Water for my unstoppable search for purpose and meaning. The joy in knowing my Shepherd. Hearing Him call me to this or to that. All the love being poured out of my as it is simultaneously poured in. A free flow of grace that is quenched and a heart that is filled.

And my bones, the reason cried that they should be weary and spent. It is the supernatural that reigns. They are reenergized and invigorated!

This is why prayer comes before the service. Laying up storage tanks of energy and making the strong ties to my Creator strong, as they are needed as the waves of outpouring crash against my flesh. But these chords of three strands do not fray. I am filled with my soul lover’s Spirit and the calm waters of gratitude and thankfulness fill my heart!

Oh the joy! Oh the rest! Even in this. 

Though I work all the day my soul finds peace. 

Of the love! Even in this!

Box Hopping

I am a divergent. I saw pictures into my own mind tonight. From the imagination of another, I am reminded of the frailty of the rarity in my mind to stay true to what I am truly experiencing. I am not a class, I am not of an age group. I have senses that take me beyond what others can see, feel, and touch. I am always in the present, but am constantly sensing the what is behind me and what I will soon be facing. I am on the verge of insanity everyday as I wait on the LORD in desperation to give me my daily duties and instruction. These lists come so gently, most would miss them. They are whispered across my conscious so delicately, that without intention, they would be missed and my life wold begin the slow crumble.

I have heard so often descriptions of learners and personality types, what kind of worker we are or a parenting style. right brained, left brained? I have learned that when all of the stereo types fit, I fit none of them.

I remember in school, getting so angry at the teacher telling us to think beyond the box. I would start feeling free with my writing or questions. Only to be cut of in the midst of exploration and creativity, Have you ever thought how cruel it is to cut off a creative in such a vulnerable moment? To leave all their thoughts exposed creates an identity massacre.

The truth is, they were never saying think outside the box. What they were truly saying was come over to my little box. Come explore and appreciate my agenda. There is a very sad part to this thinking. Here there is no freedom. There is always an end with a gloating person who thinks that their ideas are the best and the greatest and to follow them would mean success for whatever space they occupy. Nothing is further from the truth.

Following any man…leads to bondage. Either in this realm or the next one. There is not freedom for the man who follows another. It’s all box hopping.

But to follow the One who is greater. The Creator of all that fills our senses. The one who fills my intuition and rescues my soul from corruption. He is my leader and I know Him by His forever whisper that came into my senses when I was so young. Born I was to hear Him and know Him. To be filled with wonder as I enjoy the light in the woods and the lonely robin wandering around the trees like I wander around in my life. I enjoy Him as the little birds hops and sings. I am reminded that my Creator enjoys me as I hop and sing. 

So this is my divergence. To stay off the nomad path of distraction and labels, and release myself from the stereotypes and boxes. I will fix the eyes of my heart on the Author and Perfecter of my faith; Knowing that He will lift me up with loving-kindness, that He will continue to call my life for purpose, and in His time He is making me beautiful. (paraphrase of Hebrews 12) 

Prepared Flexibility

Prepared. What does it look like to be prepared? Can one know fully what is coming and have order ready to meet the moment?

Prepared. For dinner? For the event? For loss? For love?

Prepared....I can't see what is coming.

For reasons that the Lord knows and I can't see, I will be loosing another one of my fondest friends. Not in total loss, but in spacious loss. I have a big family. Three hours might as well be three days. I had a great loss five months ago, and here I am loosing again. Is their preparation to loosing a dear, daily friend. My morning, understanding, exercise partner who can read my grunts and not take personal not enough words or too many words?

Seasons seem to be cycling too fast. So much change. In me around me. My pulse still seems slow, but slow moments are rare and surprisingly awkward. It takes time to settle in and rest after the rush about of a family needing to be loved.

The flexible never get bent out of shape.
We just keep being bent and remade. Some bends make us a great deal stronger. Others weaken us and we must be reinforced. Its a wise person who knows the difference. Who knows and understands themselves, so that others are not harshly bent while being allowed to be made weak.

I rest amidst all this because of one thing. I am a pot in progress. My maker is the potter and He has not set me to dry. Yet. I am still wet clay being worked and formed. I was taken as a small child when I  asked to be put on His wheel, and not once has He left me spinning. All the while my emotions, vision, and unbelief work to hold my own stubborn way, but I will work hard to be flexible. I will rest. I will allow the tugging, the adding, the taking away. The scraping and carving. Sometime He spins me and other times he builds me with His very own sensitive, quiet, intentional hand. But the one thing I know is that He never once has turned away from me. I see where He has held me steady. Not allowing the structure of my life to collapse. Because that structure in me...it is Him.

So old things dwindled make space for new things. This beautiful weaving of threads and joys and sorrows and fresh life.

I trust the Potter, I trust the Weaver, the greatest painter who has never painted the sky the same. Not even one sky matching another. Ever. He has never created two things absolutely identical. There is always somethings different....people, trees, flowers. My creator is the ultimate Creator.

I will rest in His hands.
The only space where I am safe.
I will not break.

So I am prepared. To do the good thing. To Rest and trust. Wait and love. Pray and hope. Work and care. I am prepared to go. To see and do. To give and share. To take the joy in my heart and spill.

When I am close to Him....That is preparation. 

Evil Issue

This just in:

"This is not just about me."

I have been shared a great truth, indirectly and I am so overjoyed at God's protection in our family.

My very handsome husband and I have had a very rocky marriage. In the last two years things have calmed, and in the last year we have began growing in a consistent love and appreciation for one another. As I look back on what we lived through, I am amazed at what God has accomplished and what we have endured, but I get it now.

We weren't fighting each other. We were and are fighting evil.

I have heard recently the quote, "The issue isn't the issue. The issue is control." This is it. control.
Who is in control? Evil likes it when He is in control, and He is in control when I am taking control.

It is not totally God in control, until I ask Him to take it. And even then, I have to let go of it to Him.

That's my job. To rest in Jesus, to let go of it all to Him. To listen for His desires and to follow in obedience with the peace and joy He provides.

And Satan will do all He can to keep me from trusting God. Why? Because if He can take out my peace and create in me a hot mess, it will impact my marriage, and if he can make my marriage a hot mess, it will impact my children. And if I am not trusting Jesus, my kids won't trust Jesus.

This is the reality. I am already sealed. It's not about me anymore. It's about my children...and their children...and their children. Satan thinks ahead. He is not stupid. He has a game plan every time.

This life of obedience is good for me, but it is absolutely necessary for my children. They won't believe if they can't hear. They can't hear if it's not being shared. It can't be shared if we don't have it to share.

I have to fill up! It's no longer optional. It's life or death for my family.

Jesus said He desires none should parish. Me too.

Love's Retreat

God meets me in The Shed. I can't explain it. Door open, birds chirping, the children jumping and giggling outside. He is here. It's sad to look back on the many years of my life when I would be still and feel alone, forgotten, and abandoned.
But today I am so filled with His love. Any time that I can be with Him I steal away from the world. I abandon dishes, wet clothes sitting in a wet clump, and the toys strewn from one door to another.

While the children play, I pray.

I am like a child in this game of hide and seek. Me hiding from my world and seeking Jesus. Except that today He is easily found. Sometimes I wait, but this season is ripe and His fullness of love I carry with me.

I once felt bad for taking advantage of the quiet moments to soak up the Savior's love and sit at His feet. I thought I should play with the children more, or continue in my attentiveness to them. But then He stirred in me a great joy. He shared His longing to be with me.

The Lover of my soul is jealous for me. He calls me, "Seek Me first and all these things shall be added." I feel my head relax and I grin. This is romance.

So I share with you like a schoolgirl telling her dearest friend. Seek Him while He may be found! It is  a crazy romance. Unpredictability and delight are the trademarks. He has more for me everyday, every year, every season. "Taste and see that He is good."

I feel this season's sweetness and know I am being filled for what is ahead.  I revel in the now. I don't let my imagination go anywhere. I stay here with Him. I enjoy this.

Mom's who take time to pray,
grow what is important.
It's the only way;

To nurture and care for our tender flock,
We listen and wait
we don't watch the clock.

Jesus is calling
do not delay
joy is waiting for you today.

I want to be a joy filled person, a peace filled person.

So when I am shaken I will spill good stuff.

Bitter Dam

Jesus has removed everything that hinders and blocks my relationship to Him. He came and lived and died. He proclaimed it is finished, and then He came back to life! 

I have realized that when I feel the distance in my communication with Jesus, it isn't His end of the line that is being cut off. Its mine.

When Moses led the people out of Egypt, they people often grumbled. I grumble. They were thirsty. I get thirsty. At many points in their weakness, they became greatly swayed by their discomfort. I get weak and get stuck. They openly admitted that it would have been better if they had never left Egypt. Egypt, where they were enslaved and mistreated! Moses, their chosen leader, turned to God and prayed. The flock of God's people were a burden for Him to lead. I have been chosen as a leader and I feel the burden, too.

God then provided water, but it was too bitter for the people to drink.

I think about my own circumstances. I look at the life God has provided me with the eyes of my flesh, and I think that it is not very good. My thoughts turn sour in the routine. I think that maybe this is not what God has because it isn't easy or fun most of the time. I don't see purpose, but a lot of daily menial tasks that run the corse of my day until the sun goes down. Some days turn right into night.

Then God turned Moses. The great Shepard told Moses to take a log that was within reach. God opened Moses eyes to see it, and instructed moses throw it into the water. Moses obeyed and the water was made sweet.

My marriage, my home, my community, it is the perfect training ground for my pilgrimage to Heaven. I need only to look to my Shepard to show me the tools that He has laden about me that will bring the sweetness to my life and the lives around me. To take the bitter in my life and turn it sweet. He used a tree... roots and hardwood, twigs and green leaves. hmmm....a normal, nothing exciting, nothing out of the ordinary, thing.

It is at the place where God made the water sweet for His people, that He warned them, and blessed them. 

" 'If you will diligently listen to the voice of the Lord your God, and do that which is right in His eyes, and give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you that I put on the Egyptians, FOR I AM THE LORD YOUR HEALER. '

Then they came to Elim and their were twelve springs of water, and seventy palm trees."

Exodus 15:16-27 (emphasis mine)

The couldn't see one tree until they looked with God's blessed, wisdom filled eyes. But when they saw, they obeyed. And when they obeyed, they were blessed exponentially.

God's blessings do come through pain and uncertainty. We see who he is when we are out of options and He is all there is left. His voice and His visions are clearer when we lean in close out of desperation. When panic drives us to Jesus, He becomes the calm and canceled the crazy.

Ask Jesus to give you vision for His purpose in your circumstances. Ask him to give you God goggles to see what He has provided for you from His perspective.

I have made many wonderful friends over the years. I would meet people think, "this isn't going anywhere." Then it wold come to fruition to be a meaningful lasting friendship. Other times, people I thought I would be so close to...those relationships seemed to fizzle. I want to be a friend who trusts God. With my marriages, my homes, my children, my friends.  I have learned my job in a relationship is to always be patient and loving. Never manipulating and controlling. What freedom!

I am stepping back again today and I am looking. 

Jesus, I ask you to come and make the bitter waters of my heart sweet. Let your aroma fill my thoughts, communication, and actions. Let the debris of my discontent and lack of closeness with you be freed so that the currents of your living water can come and wash my life clean. All for your glory*

Fulfilled Imagination

It is ringing in my mind a couple of summers ago I was praying. I enjoy the children playing in the grass and the quiet alone moments that summer brings. As I was praying I started to imagine what could happen if we did this and went there. How this or that could shape the children and allow the Lord to use them with that. I got too far down the road and I hear my Shepard's voice..."If you really want to live, turn your imagination over to me."
I stopped in my track of thinking and immediately asked God to take it. that I was offering it. And many time when I dream I stop and invite Him to take over not just my thoughts, but my days.

But then I open my eyes. And reality is so different. Heaven is so beautiful and orderly. People are kind. No one is grabby or greedy. But here....it just seems like nothing ever gets finished. Laundry, bills, errands, cleaning, healthy meals, it creeps up and piles up. It threatens to drown my dreamy self.
And somewhere in this midst of this I wonder...is this my calling?
Could God really have called me to this?
What about that talent?
I want to bring you glory, but this can't be it?
Wasn't this all around me a gift from you?
Can I serve so many people who don't like me?
Did You give me the desires that formed my dreams?
Isn't having a calling making an impact for good?
I haven't made a dent, let alone an impact...

Egypt was training ground. Is this my Egypt? The chosen children grumbled and stumbled. Your promise says I am chosen. Their big egos were sanded down by the desert living and still by Providence there shoes didn't wear out. Mercies are new every morning.

So many stories of people in the scriptures whose dreams wore out, and never in their imaginations did they see the blessing coming on a cloud like it did.
Sarah, Rebekah, Jochabed, Hannah, Bathsheba, and Elizabeth are all women who come to my attention at the moment. Living in expectation. Day after day after day... And then Mary. Our Creator threw her whole family for a loop with His way of doing things.

God's way of doing things tend to repeat in one sense. There is nothing new under the sun. Although it is often timing and details that makes the mysterious, it is the situations that repeat again and again. That of course is why scripture is so delightfully connecting to our daily circumstances. Because although the characters and geography change, it is still the same feelings, similar situation, same sin. same blessing, it's just our turn.

And waiting. Some of the heroins in the bible did such a fine job of preoccupying themselves with life and goodness and responsibility and not wallow in their situation. Others jump the gun and take matters in their own hands. Paying for it plenty. Either way we get to read it in a matter of pages. In our lives things feel a little different.... longer?

The day may come when things change, but most likely waiting came before the day of change.
Waiting. WaitING. WAITING.
Whether good or bad, nothing slows time down more that waiting.

I remember my first pregnancy. The first 30 weeks went so fast, but that last three lasted, what felt like, the previous thirty. And with the children who came later...after knowing what to expect. Those last few nights were dreadfully long. But oh the miraculous blessing in the end.

All of time hangs on this concept. Even the cosmos.
As expectation builds, so does the battle to wait well, and so does time slow and the war wages for Peace to return.

God is with us. Peace is here. All of those things piles still looming and still undone. But I can feel the expectation in my heart. The promised land. Like the Israelites who looked across the river. Freedom on the horizon. It's here, revealing itself in mysteries that only One can unravel yet.
Oh but I trust. I fold and trust. I wash and trust, I sing and trust, I feed and trust.

Joanne Shetler in her book And the Word Came with Power writes in closing something that is churning with transformation of belief in me, "And besides, I've never quite figured out just how to bring God glory. But I have learned to surrender my dreams to Him. And he has made the reality of living according to His plan even better than my greatest dreams."

Real Darknes

A little girl from up the hill came to our home. With her cheerful step and curly blond ponytail, she just wanted to be a part of things. A gaggle of girls snuggled in on the floor and I asked them if I could tell them a story.

I shared of a women who spent herself so much in one day that some days ran together. She walked the streets of the poorest of places, she comforted the sickest of people all ages. She knew no division of people. All were created by God to know love. To receive it and give it. People created  for relationship, for family. This remarkable woman searched the world to find those who needed a family and she became a sister, a mother, a nurse, a comforter. She devoted her life to being a channel of Christ's grace, mercy, and love. Oh Mother Theresa, you have been Christ's light in our generation. I pray we continue on! In the hard path you trod. In following Jesus. For us to follow.

Much to think about, and many questions later... Chipper Girl sleepily asks, "Is there a hell?".

Oh little one! If my words could change anything that is what I would change! But, I have no power. The story has been written. It's up to us to do our part. To bring His Kingdom come and dispel the power of the dark under place. "Yes, there is. The Bible is very clear about Hell. It is real and I pray everyday that people call on Jesus' name and be spared the agony of going there."

My mind reeled as the girls drifted off to sleep. Lord, could I pretend there wasn't a hell? How would that effect my daily life? And His answer surprised me. Hell means responsibility for me. If I know it is real and there is an opportunity to save those I have contact with from such destruction, I have to do all I can! I will love them to Jesus. but without Hell, it just doesn't matter. Whatever works for them....

But IT IS REAL.

Lord help me to bring the Truth in Love everywhere I go. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit full of grace. That I will be Your hands and Your feet and Your mouth, to this world who doesn't know how much they need you.

Spent Cycle

Cast out.     Rejected.     Accepted.       Forgiven.     Made new.

This seems to be the cycle of the story of one called for use by The Most High. As I look over the last years of my life or even zoom through them, pausing at the moments with the greatest impact, I see this cycle. It isn't a list of describing words over the course of a life, it is repeated over and over through the days of ones earth time.

Before I would have been different, I would have said that thing to fit in, I would have done that forgivable thing to join in. No more, if I can help it. Christ came close to being pushed off a cliff by His own people, at this point I would rather join Him. (Luke 4:29)

I have felt it enough now. I feel the wrenching in my gut.

Partiality.      Greed.     Selfishness.      Self-righteousness.     Inclusiveness.

At first you wonder what you are doing wrong. What is wrong with me? Then when you draw near to God after the rejected step, You feel His acceptance. You will see what you are doing right. And don't think for a moment that this is coming from people who are blatantly rejecting Jesus. If you are living like Jesus, its the person who thinks they have things figured out that will level you the most. Stand guard.

Lord, I beg You teach people to worship!
Oh the moments in the quiet. I sit still and envision God on the throne. Here I am. A child on my Purposeful-Creator-Father's lap. My heart is warm, my mind is filled with wonder. My imagination runs wild with Love and musings beyond these flesh, wood, and plant covered spaces.

He whispers the reminder, "the stone that the builder's rejected has become the cornerstone." (Acts 4:11; Psalm 118:22)"Trust me. Look to me. Worship only me."

And if you spend yourselves... (Isaiah 58:10) Every last bit. Just today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own... (Matt 6:34) Just for today. Let everything you have be poured out, used up.

Used up when your beaten down, poured out when your breath is sucker punched in, every last energy spent when you are on the verge of debt... The calling is on you. Jesus needs stones for building. Building His Pure Church. His Pure Bride.

"then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
 The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings." (Isa 58:10-12)

mmmm...Sounds like REVIVAL!!!

That's His Kingdom come. That is His Will being done. On earth so that the atmosphere is like heaven.
Don't forget we don't live by flesh and blood (Eph. 6:12)...we depend on the Word of the Lord (Matt 4:4).

"Until then let me continually glow and burn out for thee,
    and when the last great changes shall come let me awake in thy likeness,
    leaving behind me and example that will glorify thee
    while my spirit rejoices in heaven,
    and my memory is blessed upon earth,
    while those that follow me praising thee for my life."
                                    -Retrospect and Prospect
                                     The Valley of the Vision, Puritan Prayers

By Him everything was created, Through Him is all is sustained, To Him it is all going. We really do have everything to loose. So pour it out. Spend it. Bring on His Kingdom!

Revival Ladder

It is going to happen. Over ten years ago I started praying for revival to come and Jesus, let it begin with me. I can feel it in my bones. The awakening. This Christmas the stirring has begin. I have felt it in the deep places. Deeper than goosebumps and chills. Deep into the marrow of my bones. This will be a new year!

Last Christmas the stirring began. During a visit to the local upscale diner in our town, the children and I handed out candies that we made. It was an effort to give away what we had prepared for the elderly and those shut in their homes for Christmas. My oldest son gave a baggie full of treats to an older man sitting at the counter, when he started giving it back. My son looked at me with questioning eyes and I stated to the man that it was for him, for Christmas. He looked awestruck and said, "This the first present I have gotten in three years." My heart churned hard, like when the children fall on the stairs, it make my chest hurt. And the mission began. We will give the entire Christmas season away.

This Christmas we made over 100 of those chocolate packages with verse reminding us that "God is with us". We gave them away most everywhere we went, and it stirred up love and joy. The atmosphere shifted like the sun coming through the clouds after a tornado. Everywhere we passed the gift of God's love people changed right before our eyes. People laugh in surprise, they cry and hug, they try to give us money, because it makes them feel so good to receive the love packaged gift. People are hungry. Their souls are hungry and they don't even know it.

So Christmas is over, but for our family it has just begun. We are going to give this winter away. I am not sure what this is going to look like yet, but it is going to begin in right here. I am praying that like Jacob's Dream, that Jesus will make our home a gateway, a ladder for His glory and presence coming to our county. That we will see His angels working, that we will be a people poured out for His glory and we will see His presence in this place. It's starting.

You may be like me and struggle with depression, you may be in a funk because life has treated you wrong, mistreated and it's not fair or maybe you are just looking for that next step to freedom from the weight and cares of this world. Give Yourself away. Share Jesus's love for your neighbor with your neighbor. Listen a little extra, buy groceries for the single mom, visit a lonely person, make a moment not about you. Pour yourself out. Spend yourself. Once you taste the joy you won't want to live any other way. Jesus did it and he's calling you. It's called fishing for men.

Before Me

Paul writes in Galatians, "But when He who had set me apart before I was born , and who called me by His grace..."

Can you imagine the joy between the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit? Before the foundations of the world... knowing that throughout all of history the moment would come when Paul, (who left to his own devices wreaks havoc on the young church)  does a complete turn around and becomes God's greatest missionary. He didn't just translate God's word, He dictated it!!!

I have been thinking lately about the party in Heaven that the scriptures speak of. that when anyone gives there life to Christ there is a celebration in heaven. I believe it all begins with the Father.

A friend told me once that she believed that it was very difficult for God to not rescue us from our troubles. He restrains Himself so that the "work can have it's prefect way in us." He knows the greater good comes from allowing us to find Him in it. If He spoke a word into our situations and everything was great, we would probably forget about him. That would be devastating.

He love is so grand. He is perfectly patient with us. Waiting for that time when He is able to unfold those purposes that He has established us for.

Thank goodness we don't have the business to know what the future holds.

BUT....

We have the incredible blessing of knowing intimately, the One who holds our future.

Done Hungry

How is it that so much can be done in one day, so much experienced, so many loved, so much food prepared, and so many lessons taught, and yet there is such a lack of satisfaction felt? How the things I do are so seemingly meaningful and seem to be such important things to do, yet as each one is accomplished the joy is not replenished and my tender, weak soul feels the lack. Just as my spider-plant's leaves shrivel when my lack of attention leaves its roots dry, I feel my soul roots starving for water.

Living Water.

I used to think it was a daily duty. Like making dinner and brushing my teeth. A check off chore that would keep my mind, soul, and body able to see the day through without catastrophe.
Then I learned...

I learned by running. It started fast walking, and then...then I got hungry to run. So now I run...then I get hungry. Really hungry. The more I run the hungrier I get.

I am finding it's like that running with Jesus. When we work hard our appetites increase. When we worship hard, our roots get stronger and spread farther and I need to feed more often to nourish them. I drink The Living Water and I chew on The Daily Bread. That is where the satisfaction comes.

I was too busy these last few days. Focused on this and that. All good things, but not the most important One. Now my soul is weary, but I have sat at the Father's feet for a couple of hours and feel refreshed. Tired in the flesh, but renewed in my spirit!

I encourage you today to rest in God's Word. Set the thoughts of time aside and focus on Jesus, The Gospel, and his tender-loving care for you. Praise Him for bringing our lack of focus on Him to our attention and ask Him to fill us with the ability to see how often we do need him.

Jesus alone can satisfy. Nothing else will do. Some days all  I really need... is more of Him.

Illuminating Chord

O Lord, I hang on You; I see, I believe, live,
When Your will not mine, is done;
I can plead nothing in myself
in regard of any worthiness and grace,
in regard of thy providence and promises,
but only Your good pleasure.
-Pilgrim's Prayer

I hang on. I hang on.

All the snow is melted and the fresh white has turned a, dingy, grungy, dirty mess. I peer out the window over the sloppy remains of the prisoner's last night's feeding. What I see outside is the debris left behind from winter taking a pause. Wet dampness shows the muddy marks on the ground where the children's play has pressed it down. The trees stand tall, unmoved. They look cold and damp, standing on through the weather.

I feel cold and damp rising up in me.

Faithfully the Father is healing my hard, cold heart. The warmth has come in me. The light has been breaking forth in my heart steadily. The chilly, damp thoughts rise up, but they are old friends I have turned from some time ago. Those aren't the companions I need, to love the people in my life today.

I grab hold of Love. I take the chords of light illuminating in the midst of dreary, dampness and wrap my mind and fingers together in a cry of, "Be with me. Help me to hold on to You, Father."

I close my eyes and feel the warmth flooding me. Oh how thankful I am that Love came down. That He rescued me from darkness and brought me into His glorious light. My first need is Jesus.

He conquered darkness for me. For you. Let Him have your dampness today, so that He can cover you with the warm fresh blanket of His unfailing love.

Affectionate Hold

My heart has wandered in the dessert. 

Hungry and thirsty. Alone in the wasteland with cracked lips and dry eyes.

Wandering and wandering, looking to be satisfied by my own hand.

He came and led me, straight out. 

My heart has sat in the darkness of prison.

On the cold floor in the dark shadows. Irons holding me down in the dust.

Working hard, stumbling hard, to prove my own way.

He came and led me, chain free into the light.

My heart has been a crazy fool, partying it up on the street.

Starving to look good. Taking the pain for beauty sake.

Left alone to waste in my choices.

He came and led me, with daily bread and a stripped back.

My heart has sailed away to success and fame.

Climbing the ladders, receiving high praises. Feeling the thrill of something from nothing.

It crashed hard, No resources were left. Here today, gone tomorrow.

He came and led me, balanced  into the desired place.

Through it all Love is steady...even when I let go... Love, failed me not. 

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distress."

Psalm 107: 6,13, 19, and 28

"Let them thank the LORD for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man."

Psalm 107:8,15,21, and 31

Where is my heart today I must ask...

I will cry...

He will deliver...

I will give thanks...

His steadfast love fails me not.

Believe and Know

It is not enough to just believe in God.

I must know Him.

So much pain is all around. I have friends swelling with the uncomfortable blessings of child bearing, I have women in my circles with children needing restraint and education, I have sick family members, churches with bills to be paid, Christmas lists left unchecked because of the lack of resources, depressed loved ones, there are children dying, marriages suffering, older people are left alone for days, teenagers confused, and the eyes I see in the grocery are angry and hurting.

But a "God bless you!"
It stirs people. Even the Word says that He puts a longing for himself in the hearts of man.
Many have worked SO hard to rid our institutions, our communities, our homes, and our minds of God, but, let's be real...It has been work. It is so easy to prove God, but to disprove Him. That is work.

My child asked today how our bodies makes blood.
We talk about our heart pumping blood, but we don't think too much about our body producing it. And then to cover the topic of being formed in your mother's womb and having a blood type different from your mother... What a beautiful miracle.

He is so real.

I hope if you read this you will hear me. Don't let yourself for a moment lose out on the freedom in this life by just believing that God is real.
Commit to knowing Him.

"God is not a belief by which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimatly, meet everyday, one whose strength is your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life in the presence of God long enough and when someone asks, 'Do you believe in God?' you may find yourself answering, 'No, I do not believe there is a God, I know there is a God.'"
-Earnest Boyer, Jr.

Who Me?

Me.

A simple word.

A whole identity is behind that word. A real person. With thoughts, emotions, dreams, relationships, wounds, history, looks, clothes...

m e      .
That is how I would describe it. This frustration with a fragmented self. Desiring greatly to combine the letters and that dot at the end that brings forth the end  cap of security. But the truth is....I just don't feel it. I struggle with putting it all together in the light of Christ.

There are parts of me that I just don't want exposed. What stays in the dark does tend to get bigger there, but I don't think I want to face the pain of revealing it.

Like when I crawl out of the tunnel after looking for crayfish and the sun blinds my eyes. It is painful and I have to shield myself from the light. My eyes need time to adjust to the sun.

My heart needs time to adjust too. It is hard to face the different parts of our selves but true healing is when all the body, mind, soul, and strength come together in unity to worship in Spirit and in truth.
So I let the light shine in.
I invite the light to have it's way of exposing.
I trust the Light Himself. He is a shield about me.

Then the bliss comes. Sharing that fire tried gold with others. That precious sweet smellingness that perfumes of one centered and secure in the only One who can. I can now be a light that shines in dark places. Extending Grace. Extending Light.

That is
me.

Straining To Trust

So I fix my eyes on Christ. The Author and Perfecter of my faith.

This is how we make it through these hard days. We mentally take the yoke off and hang it right up on the cross. We toss it up high and allow the ring to catch on the end sticking west. We take the heavy burden of getting it all right and we lob it up onto the finished place. He who began a good work in me. Not me who began a good work in me...

I love that about the cross. I think of the wood protruding east and west. Reminding us that our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west. I am sick of carrying these sins all around. I feel them all up in me. I carry the yoke of the past around my neck and I pant under the weight and strain. I feel my neck and shoulders and back all tight. My breath doesn't come sometimes and I wonder when the work will be completed in me. I am ready to reveal a mature soul seasoned for the Father's use, but I am still in the fire and it is His timing when the work will be completed. I am not the Author of this faith.

I know He will make beauty from these ashes, because He said so. I know that I can reason to feel His love and compassion toward me, even if I don't. I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. And I know that what man intends for evil God intends for good. My heart doesn't seem to want to pay attention to those truths, though. I am thankful that the Author is working on that. He knows. He sees. I learn to trust.

Can Do

Echo of words...

"She has done what she could" Mark 14:8a

Some days we do our best, and some days we don't. Life is a juggle of a struggle to keep these days persevering in the direction of Christ's work that is being completed in us. Through what seems affliction and trial lately, I felt this whisper.

"My child, you are doing just fine. My love for you is great. Continue to walk in the shadow of My wing, and I will continue to show you a better way. I see you are doing what you can do."

I trembles at this.
The awesome Creator of the universe, My Heavenly Father, takes time to show me this love?
I am such a messed up, shamed up, too late, and a dollar short kind of woman, and He still whispers these sweet kindnesses to me?

I have been overwhelmed lately with Our Father's ability to orchestrate trials in the lives of individuals that criss-cross and bend to create lessons for everyone of us.

The scripture states He draws us with His loving kindness. I think I can see that. Allowing suffering and frustration to repeat itself in our lives again and again, until we can trust-fall back into His capable, strong Hands. My Father says He will hold me with His right hand. I want to be held. I need to feel the soul hold.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And when I wake to a new day
I pray I do what I may
To please the Father and the Son
To worship the Spirit three in One.

One Story

I am tearing down the walls that defensive mechanisms have made.
I trust in Christ to protect me and to bring justice.
I will no longer respond with damaging emotions knowing that Christ loves me, He have himself as a sacrifice for my damaged self and he will never abandon or reject me.

He is my Shepard and He will guide me.

I follow whole heartily.

I forgive every time.
I love every time.
I will raise my eyebrows with joy in the face of rejection or criticism knowing that Christ will use it for His glory when I do life His way.
I am no longer responsible for defending myself.
I trust Jesus Christ alone for my defense.


Matthew 6:32-34
For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I am not living to tell my story.

I am living to tell God's story.

For Now

Quiet is good.
Stillness is good.
Shutting down.
Turning off.
Being still.

Listening intently.
Boldly surveying.
Jesus is near.
His wisdom is here.